Being a parent is gratifying, but it isn't always easy
Being a parent of four children wasn’t always easy. None of them came with instructions! As you know, every child you have can send you in a completely different direction when it comes to parenting. You finally get your footing with one child, and then it’s as if they tag another sibling to send you in a different direction. What works with one child doesn’t necessarily work with another.
For this reason, I was always looking for parenting help. My advice to you is this: if someone tells you that something helped them as a parent and gives you a resource, jump on it! At that moment, you might think, “Oh, I don’t need help. I’m doing okay.” I guarantee you will regret not saving that information and looking into it.
For example, one of my friends shared with me that Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Charles Fay was a great resource for parenting guidance. I thought, “I’m doing okay. I don’t need to look into that resource.”
Wrong!
If I had taken her advice earlier, parenting would have been much easier.
I eventually learned this when my husband and I took a Love and Logic course when our two oldest children were teenagers. As I learned new parenting skills, I regretted not taking my friend’s advice years earlier. The course was a wonderful learning experience. If you don’t have time to take a course, there are also multiple books available that teach the same principles.
If I had to choose just one thing to share from what I learned, it would be a concept they call:
Guiding Kids to Own and Solve Their Problems
They teach this through five steps:
Provide a strong and sincere dose of empathy.
Lovingly hand the problem back.
Get permission before sharing ideas.
Provide a brief menu of ideas and help them evaluate each one.
Allow them to learn from solving or not solving the problem.
For these steps to really make sense, I encourage you to seek out Love and Logic and learn how to apply these principles in everyday parenting. You will learn how to help your children take ownership of their choices and, eventually, learn to solve problems on their own.
It is never too early to learn.
Another resource that made an impact on me was a book called Boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. After reading this book, I realized something important: you can’t teach something you don’t know or haven’t put into practice yourself.
One concept I learned from the book was the idea that everyone has a personal “backpack.” Inside that backpack are the things a person is capable of carrying and doing independently. I also learned the difference between carrying your own responsibilities and carrying a burden that truly requires someone else’s help.
This is so important as a parent.
Sometimes, it is incredibly difficult to watch your children struggle. Our instinct can be to step in, fix the problem, or make things easier for them. But there are times when we need to step back and let our children struggle a little. Let them figure things out. Let them become independent.
It is essential.
It is easy for me now to look back at my parenting and see where I could have done better. I can see the things I would change if I had the opportunity.
But I have also come to realize something else: with every child I had, I became a different parent.
Each child taught me something new. Each stage of parenting stretched me in a different way. I made mistakes, I learned, and I grew.
Slowly, with each child, I became a better version of myself.
